"A Viagra Suppository for Compulsive Action Fetishists"

That's what New York Times critic A.O. Scott calls the new Smokin' Aces in his review of the film.

The director is Joe Carnahan, who directed the memorable, brutal cop/crime thriller Narc in 2002. So I expected more from the guy. But Scott, less obtuse and more insightful and entertaining than some of the Times' other critics, says that "Watching it is like being smakced in the face for a hundred minutes with a raw sirloin steak."

Funny stuff. I missed the screening, but it looks like my life won't suffer if I wait to see it on cable or DVD.

Nice to see Martin Scorsese's The Departed get Oscar nods for best picture, best adapted screenplay and (long overdue) best director, but the Academy sure made a few odd choices.

Eastwood's Letters From Iwo Jima certainly deserved a nomination, and I can't really complain about The Queen landing in that category, although Helen Mirren's brilliant performance far outshined the film as a whole.

But, hey, what's with all the love for the heavy-handed, contrived festival of misery known as Babel? And Little Miss Sunshine is cute, quirky and funny enough, but it ain't exactly Oscar caliber. Where the heck is Pan's Labyrinth? How about United 93?

And what about the single most critically acclaimed film of the year, Pedro Almodovar's Volver? (which I've yet to see). For that matter, how on earth did Volver NOT get nominated in the foreign-language category?

My prediction: The Departed will win for best picture and best director. Or, maybe, Letters From Iwo Jima will win both. Or they'll split the difference. Too tough to call, but I'd love to see Scorsese walk away with both of these Oscars.

As for the acting nominations ...

Best actor: Forest Whitaker, Ryan Gosling and Peter O'Toole are the most deserving, Will Smith is certainly deserving and Leo DiCaprio did great work, finally, in The Departed. Oh, wait, Leo is nominated for glorified B-movie Blood Diamond. Come again? That's the Academy's second most embarrasing choice this year (after failing to give Volver a foreign-language nom). My prediction: Whitaker will win.

Best actress: All deserve nominations, although, clearly, it will come down to a battle between two Brit dames, Helen Mirren and Judi Dench. My prediction: Mirren gets the gold.

Supporting actor: Again, not bad choices, although this category could have been packed with noms -- Jack Nicholson, Alec Baldwin -- from The Departed. My prediction: Eddie Murphy will win, because of all the goodwill for Dreamgirls, and as a consolation prize, since Dreamgirls didn't get a Best Pic nomination.

Supporting actress: Not bad choices, although the slots occupied by Adrian Barraza (Babel) and Abigail Breslin really ought to have gone to someone else, say, Shareeka Epps (Half Nelson). In my mind, it's a huge oversight that Epps wasn't nominated: Her performance was first rate, very subtly nuanced. My prediction: Jennifer Hudson will win, for the same reasons listed, above, for Murphy.

Cinematography: I'd give it to Pan's Labyrinth, but who knows which flick will win?

Adapted screenplay: I'd give it to The Departed, or maybe Little Children. No prediction.

Original screenplay: I'm predicting that The Queen will beat the competition.

Sometimes the good guys win: Saxophone giant and living jazz legend Sonny Rollins, whose 2006 release Sonny, Please lasted on my list of Top 10 CDs (variations of which landed in print and/or online at Billboard, the Village Voice, Las Vegas City Life and Jazzhouse.org), has been named one of two winners of the $143,000 Polar Music Prize, given by the Swedish Royal Academy of Music. The other prize went to composer Steve Reich.

According to the Associated Press, the SRAM lauded Rollins as "one of the most powerful and personal voices in jazz for more than 50 years" and said that he raised "the accompanied solo to the highest artistic level -- all characterized by a distinctive and powerful sound, irresistible swing and an individual sense of humor."

Reunion we never asked for: It's true, it's true. According to a Billboard report, Van Halen is reuniting, with David Lee Roth back out front and Wolfgang Van Halen, Eddie's 15-year-old son, replacing Michael Anthony on bass. The group reportedly will play a 40-date concert trek this summer.

Huh?

I get the idea of reigniting the DLR circus, because IMO the Roth-led Van Halen version of the band was far more fun than the version of Van Halen led by that blowhard Sammy Hagar. And I say all this despite DLR's truly horrible bluegrass remakes of Van Halen hits (curious? just search YouTube)

But is it really fair to little Wolfie to subject the kid to the demands of life on a major rock-and-roll tour? Wouldn't it better for his emotional and psychological health to let him, you know, finish school first and then maybe sign on at 18 or 19?

Hagar said, rather sensibly (but not without his own agenda): "I would love to see Eddie and Alex get behind Wolfie, with a kid of his age singing, and produce the record for him and help him launch a career. I'd rather see it go that way than come out and say 'Wolfie's the bass player in Van Halen and maybe singing, too.' Van Halen's got way too much history to have that put on him."

Just heard the word that this year's Stringbreak, the folk/bluegrass/Americana festival put together by the organizers of RiverHawk, has been cancelled this year, because of a failure to find a major sponsor.

Too bad: RiverHawk, which I visited for the first time last November, is a well-organized entirely pleasant alternative to some larger acoustic-music festivals that I've attended. It's not so dang far away either -- the Sertoma Youth Ranch, near Brooksville, the site of both fests, is only 70 minutes or so away from my home in Tampa. And it's extremely family-friendly.